As You Like It: Remix
by Bean Bandit
Summary: If you translate it extremely loosely, Okonomiyaki can mean 'As you like it'. It's profound philosophy, but for life? It's a little stressful. And I should know. Okonomiyaki figures prominently in my life from this point on...
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: This is titled Remix because I tried to run with this premise once before. It was frankly awful, and hopefully no one saw it, but I put 'Remix' in the title to let anyone who did see that steaming mound know that this is (hopefully) not as bad. Also, you may notice I've not included a disclaimer. If you need one to know almost all of the characters don't belong to me, simply open your browser, click on the file menu, and POKE YOURSELF IN THE EYEBALL AS HARD AS YOU CAN.

As You Like It: Remix

Chapter One

by Bean Bandit.

"No thanks."

I think that was about where it all went wrong for me. I was very polite, and not rude at all, but it's quite certain that it wasn't the answer he was expecting, and, as such, not only would he not accept it, my efforts to control the situation just made it worse. But that's getting ahead of myself. Let's backtrack a little, and I'll show you the how and the why of how my life went crazy, for better or for worse.

"I'm a god."

That was how George introduced himself as he came to sit at my table in the local Starbucks, while I was sipping an decaffeinated frappucino, and idly tapping away on my laptop. I had come to get out of my house, and try and recapture a little creative drive to work on my fan fiction. I had been somewhat dormant over the last few years, as the fan fiction community I had been involved in collapsed over infighting over plagiarism and other rather strident rules. I'd started one at the beginning of the previous year, but I'd again succumbed to the fact I had the attention span of a goldfish. I'd come here to get away from distractions and try to write a little (Really, I was hoping some sort of creative lightning would strike my brain, but I'd settle for managing to churn out another chapter of 'Fate, Stay Ranma'.) And I had a 'god' sitting at my table.

Fantastic.

"Really." I deadpanned, lifting my head up from the table, and rubbing my chin. I could have used a shave before I left. Maybe I looked homeless, so the loonies were drawn to my table.

My initial impression based purely on his words turned out to be wrong, however. He was very clean-shaven, glasses polished just so, and neatly dressed in a clean t-shirt, and jeans that looked as though he'd ironed the creases into them. His hair was a close-cropped reddish colour, and he had the star of David on a chain around his neck. He smiled, and it wasn't a grand gesture of the theatrically insane, but a more embarrassed shrug. "Really. God of the Internet, Third Class Unlimited."

"Congratulations?" I wondered what he expected me to say to that. I should have challenged him, perhaps, but I hate confrontation, so I humoured him, trying to look as disinterested as possible so he'd leave me alone. Maybe I should try writing at the library instead?

"Thank you very much." He replied, his smile a little less self-conscious. "George Sands." He extended his hand, and I took it gingerly.

"...You're kidding, right? Like on 'Being Human'?" Now that I thought about it, he looked like him, too. This was a little creepy. Wasn't he an actor? Had the guy who played George flipped his lid, and chosen to share his little psychotic break with me?

"I can't talk about that, I'm afraid." He smiled. "I'm here to talk about you. Specifically, to offer you a wish."

"Yeah, pull the other one." I told him flatly, scooting away from him a little-enough that I could break for the door if he got violent. He looked hurt that I didn't believe him.

"Honestly! Do you think I'd be here talking to you if I couldn't? You're my first assignment on my new job, and I need to make a good impression." He insisted, very politely. "Look, I'll prove it." Humming softly, he twiddled his fingers a little, and small streams of light-composed of what looked like individual characters streamed from them. They wound upwards, and then in on themselves, tightening relentlessly until the light blurred and condensed in on itself, then darkened, turning into a small USB key. "There. Have a wireless modem. Better than anything currently on the market, and ten times as fast, guaranteed."

"Thanks." I took it dubiously. That was pretty impressive sleight of hand.

"So. About your wish?"

"This is fine, really." I assured him, eyeing the USB key. Did I dare test it? What about viruses? He was clearly unstable, so how could I trust him to allow this into my laptop?

"But you didn't ask for it. I'm offering you anything you could wish for!"

"No thanks."

"No thanks?" He echoed, aghast and more than a little dismayed. I twitched as he raised his voice loud enough that people were starting to turn and look.

"No thanks." I repeated, nodding and fishing for an 'excuse' for turning away such an incredible offer. "I've read 'The Monkey's Paw.' I'm not desperately in need of anything in particular, so..."

"I don't think you understand. You're my first assignment. I'm being graded on ingenuity and creativity in meeting the customer's needs. I'll have a black mark on my record if I can't complete it." He insisted. I began to think fast-People were staring again, and I desperately wanted him out of my hair.

"Look, if I make a wish, will you go away?"

"Absolutely." He replied instantly. Fortunately, I had an idea for a harmless 'wish' that would get him out of my hair, and wouldn't need 'proof', so he had an excuse to stick around.

"Fine. I wish that I was inspired to write more fan fiction."

"What?"

"Come on, aren't you the god of the internet?" I mocked lightly.

"I know what it MEANS, but it's so DULL." He frowned, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Right about then, I should have got up and ran. But I had no idea what was being turned over and over in his head, so I just stared at him as he muttered to himself. "I'm sure there's a better way to inspire...wait, don't they say 'write what you know'?"

He suddenly reached over and touched my laptop and the monitor went absolutely bonkers, spraying all the information it had all up at once, and glowing ominously. He pulled his hand away, smiling smugly. "Perfect. I've got the most perfect way to inspire your fan fiction, 'Bean Bandit'. Wish Granted."

It was at that point, when he started to glow, that my vision started to glow white, and my body started to tingle that I realized that I was either a) High on some unbelievably potent acid, or b) in real trouble, as I have rarely, if ever, misjudged everything about a situation quite this badly before.

(((((((((())))))))))

Consciousness was slow in coming back.

As colours and contrast reasserted themselves in my vision, It was clear that I was no longer in the coffee shop. Somehow, I'd been slipped a roofie and abducted. Horrifying paranoia about waking up in a bathtub full of ice minus my kidneys began to grip me. These fears proved to be unfounded, as wherever I was, it was warm.

Uncomfortable, though. I had the distinct impression of rocks pressing against my back and butt...not to mention something remarkably heavy on my chest. I cracked open one eye to look around, and all at once, my other senses seemed to kick into gear. I could hear something frying nearby-it smelled good, like pork. Birds flew overhead, and I could hear the husky cries of seagulls. I was definitely outside somewhere. Whatever was on my chest shifted slightly, and I focused on it-

"!"

It was a person! I was being sat on!

Bracing myself, I arched my back and twisted sharply, and I was gratified to see him tumbling off and onto the pavement nearby as I scrambled up to my feet. I stood unsteadily, brushing myself off. Someone had changed my clothes while I was out-it was some sort of blue robe thing, belted and tied off oat the sleeves with these white bands-What the hell was going ON? Whoever that George guy was, I was going to call the police on him so HARD.

"What'dja do that for?" My opponent was also picking himself off the ground. The first thing I noticed was the dingy white karate gi and pants, and the shaggy black hair. I tensed instinctively-if there's one thing that someone wearing an outfit like that wants to do, it's fight, and most of them are pretty good at it. Fortunately, his attention was occupied by something else, a soggy mess of dough, cabbage, and other such things, along with the aforementioned pork. It had evidently fallen out of his hand as he fell, and he turned on me with a sorrowful look. "It's all dirty-"

Now, I had plenty of reason to argue the importance of a mess of a meal with being held hostage and being redressed while I was out cold, but their was a key point about him that shocked me into holding my tongue. He was extremely, -extremely- young. He couldn't have been more than seven years old.

And he was EXACTLY. MY. HEIGHT.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you can sense the world has been turned on it's ear, and just before the moment where it all sinks in you get this weird sort of chill down your spine? Everyone describes it as a shiver, but it's not really, it's more your whole spine tingles at once. It feels like a chill, but it's more like your body's non-verbal uttering of obscenities laced with dread, as it is clearly smarter than you are, and has figured out that something is horribly, terribly wrong just a split second before you do.

That split second elapsed, and the world decided to catch me up my new state of affairs as a bearded giant of a man, almost three times taller than I was, and nearly that many times thicker loomed over me, frowning. "These little contests were your idea, don't ruin his lunch."

At this point, I was beginning to hyperventilate. I spotted some odd-looking metal utensils in a bandolier around his chest (dear god it was huge-did he swallow a barrel?) and while he was leaning over me, I snatched one of them, and turned it around to face me, looking at the metal surface for my reflection.

A young child. The same age as the boy, or thereabouts, with long chocolate-coloured hair tied back with a white ribbon, and large mahogany eyes, a small chin and a clearly horrified expression looked back at me.

"Ukyo? Give that back to me. What's wrong with you?"

I tore my eyes away from the metal spatula to look at the giant in horror. He was concerned now, his brow furrowed as he leaned over me.

I threw my head back and screamed.

"GEORGE, I WILL F%&(ING RIP YOUR MOTHER^#$&ING D!&K OFF! YOU SONOVA-" I continued on in that vein, screaming many, many bad words.

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Late that night, I was still spitting soap out of my mouth, and after suffering the indignity of being forcibly dressed in Pokemon pyjamas and enduring a lecture on polite language, Kuonji Akira ('Daddy'. Oh gosh what fun) had tucked me into my futon, and excused himself to make a phone call. From what I could hear, an appointment with a child psychologist was being made for me, and phrases like 'breakdown' and 'issues over her mother's passing' were being bandied about.

Fantastic.

It was barely eight o'clock, hardly even enough time for the sun to set before I was being put to bed, and worse still I was exhausted anyway. This easily qualified as one of the worst days of my life, and I was looking forward to waking up at home, in my own bed. This had to be a breakdown I was having. It wasn't like I didn't have massive issues on my own.

The more I turned that idea over in my head, the more I liked it. Yes, I had clearly had some sort of psychotic break, and my overindulgence in anime had created this vivid hallucination to cushion my brain. If I went to sleep now, I could wake up at home, and go about my life, and pretend that hallucinating I was a seven year old girl had no implications about the current state of my mind...

Yawning cavernously, I released my hold on consciousness, praying that I was right as I finally fell asleep.

(((((((((())))))))))

No such luck. The next day:

"Ukyo. Ukyo!"

"What?" I retorted irritably, rubbing my eyes.

"Is that any way to talk to your father?"

Sigh.

"Sorry, Dad."

"What happened to 'daddy'?"

_In a minute, he's going to be on this grill. _I stifled the thought, reminding myself my current situation wasn't his fault. Also that the soap was because he cared about his daughter. Never-mind that I wasn't actually that. After all, I'm not sure -I- believed my story at this point. Sighing again, I smiled halfheartedly up at him. "Sorry, Daddy."

"There's my girl. Watch your batter, it's almost burnt."

"Right."

As you may have guessed, I didn't wake up at home. No, I woke up at the crack of way-the-hell-too-early o'clock, dragged out of my futon by Kuonji Akira, (Sorry, I clearly mean 'Daddy') and set to work at his side. We spent the morning teaching me to cook while he sold Okonomiyaki to early morning salary-men headed out of the suburbs and into the office. The cart was set up on a side road, one of the few that had no houses, only a park on it's border, but since there was a train station nearby, we apparently made a killing? I didn't really notice, as I was too busy trying to cook a Japanese delicacy worth a damn.

Surprisingly, I almost managed.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be winning any culinary awards anytime soon, but with 'Daddy' to imitate, it wasn't as impossible as I had thought. Equally odd, even when I thought I was about to screw up, pure reflex saved me more than a few times. I managed to turn out entirely edible food. It was somewhere around lunchtime when I was finally allowed to stop practising. I looked up, noticing the sun was high in the sky, dazedly wondering where half the day had gone already.

"I can't take much more of this." I muttered to myself, very, very softly, glancing up at Akira to make sure he hadn't heard. He was watching me a little too closely after my torrent of profanity the previous day. I shuffled a few feet away from the cart to try and think, something that I hadn't managed to do much of since waking up. (repetitive motions have a strange way of emptying the mind).

This sucked.

This sucked SO HARD.

Clearly, I had not woken up at home in my own bed in Canada. George had not appeared since to explain what to do to -get- home. Hell, he hadn't even given me a briefing on my current situation! Still, I'm not a moron. I could pick up on the relevant points fairly quickly.

I was in a rural suburb on the fringes of Kyoto, Japan. The date I wasn't quite clear on, but it seemed modern-I'd spotted cellphones and Ipods and other flashy gadgets in the hands of passersby. That didn't quite jive with the time frame of the manga that I could remember, and it worried me, but as concerns went, it was relatively small.

My name was Kuonji Ukyo, and I was tagging along with my father-sorry, 'Daddy'-Kuonji Akira, as he sold Okonomiyaki to support the two of us. From what I'd been able to see the previous evening, my mother was no longer with us, which was a mixed blessing, as she was rather attractive, and being her child would have ramped up the 'awkward' level of my situation quite a lot. Still, Akira clearly still loved her, which was kinda nice, in a sappy way.

Anyway, 'Daddy' and I are apparently on good terms with a pair of wandering martial artists, Saotome Ranma, and his father, Genma. Not a complicated existence, thankfully. Being a child meant I didn't have to fake a lot of background knowledge.

That left a bunch of other problems to deal with. First among them-Kuonji Ukyo, me-was a seven year old _girl. _I dreaded to think what was going to happen If I stuck around long enough to grow up. Secondly, at some point in the near future, Kuonji Akira was going to offer my hand in marriage to the little brat who was sitting on me yesterday. I have never, not once, been anything but a heterosexual male. The idea of attending my wedding as the bride was not appealing in any way. Despite my body, I maintain I am male. At least upstairs.

The option of not doing anything at all was still there, however. If I remembered my manga correctly, Ukyo was in a unique position, as her back story with Ranma was not at all influenced by her own actions. If I did absolutely nothing, Akira would try to marry me off, Genma would steal the cart, and I could justify living as a boy to hunt Ranma down. However, that was a dead-end route. Unless I wanted to eventually give up on revenge and settle for trying to win Ranma (Which wasn't going to happen-at least, not yet. Once the hormones of a teenage girl soaked my brain, who knew what would happen to the way I felt about any given thing? Shudder.)

On the other hand, I'd be in a much better position if I could make some sort of impact on someone. If I could talk Akira...rather, 'Daddy' into not tying me to the Saotomes, I probably wouldn't be able to live as a boy, but on the other hand, it would free me from the unnecessary grief being left behind would cause. An ordinary life as a Japanese girl was somewhat less than appealing, but a firmer command of my own destiny rather than being swept up in the Ranma Saotome hurricane had it's pluses.

A third possibility was to appeal to the Saotomes themselves. If I could convince Genma I'd be useful, but had no desire to marry Ranma, I might be able to go along with them. That would be a HUGE pain in the butt, but the light at the end of that tunnel could be Jusenkyo, and the Spring of Drowned Man. Although who knew if he'd ditch me or not? Or worse, hitch me to some guy along the way for whatever food or treasure caught his eye?

Ranma, on the other hand...if I could get through that notoriously thick skull, and have him learn what I wanted him to know, maybe I could get to Jusenkyo anyhow. And with Ranma watching my back, I wouldn't have to worry too much about being ditched. I could probably repay the favour by helping him learn things his dad was keeping from him.

I wrinkled my nose as I mulled over my options. None of them were particularly good, in my view, but the only truly 'good' option would be to have George appear out of thin air and whisk me home and put the real Ukyo back in her proper place. However, there was little enough I could do about that, and it seemed somewhat unlikely to boot. And if it DID happen somewhere along the way, would it hurt to set Ukyo up a little better than just letting things happen to her?

No, not really.

It was decided. Whether for myself or for a returning Ukyo, I'd work at arranging a better childhood for Kuonji Ukyo. Who knew? Maybe the accumulated karma would get me home that much sooner.

Even though this whole situation kinda sucked, I smiled a little as I came to the decision. Having a plan felt better than being kicked around by fate. I'd work two angles at once. Convincing 'Daddy' that being married to Ranma was the last thing in the world that I wanted was a good fallback plan. But failing that, it fell to me to raise Saotome Ranma's intelligence stats enough to make him a good partner in my plans for keeping us both from being stuck together. But to lead a Saotome around, you needed a hook, a carrot to dangle from the stick.

What could I use to motivate a wilful, somewhat dim little boy?

At that moment, there was a hissing sizzle from Daddy's grill, and my eyes fell on strips of pork he was frying. A 'Eureka' moment, to be sure. Both Genma and Ranma were ruled by their stomachs, and if I could raise my competence level in cooking, I was certain I could bribe Ranma if he proved resistant to my suggestions. Grinning toothily, I hopped up to the grill beside him again, my hands folded behind my back as I looked up at my new father, smiling as though butter wouldn't melt in my mouth. "Can we practice some more, Daddy?"

He looked at me, and I could practically see him melt.

I was almost embarrassed for him. He'd been pensively staring at me and frowning all morning, clearly worried about my behaviour, and one little smile was more than enough to turn him to mush.

"Any time you want, Kitten." He smiled, handing me the little spatulas to fry with, and ushering me to the crate I stood on to cook beside him. It took all I had not to gag at the pet name. I tried to look on the bright side. At least it wasn't 'princess'. Still, Ukyo was clearly a daddy's girl.

I was going to have to resolve never to use this power for evil-

Oh, who am I trying to kid? I was going to viciously abuse this special relationship any chance I got.

(((((((((())))))))))

It took a few more hours for Ranma to show up, thoughtfully announcing himself by bellowing with all the might his little lungs could muster, startling me so badly I fell off the crate I'd been standing on to cook.

"HEY UCCHAN~!"

I scrambled up quickly, remembering the day previous when he'd been seated on my chest. Oh crap, we had an arrangement set up based on him thumping me, didn't we? I was not anxious to repeat the experience, but he was barrelling at us, little fists outstretched, and grinning. Probably cherubic from outside perspectives, he looked like a demon to me. I felt a sudden little thrill of fear-despite the fact he was a child, he was exactly my size, and had been training like crazy.

On the other hand, I most definitely did not want to show how afraid I was. It'd be like chum in the water to chauvinists like the Saotomes. Not to mention my competitive streak was rearing it's ugly head-I was doomed.

Ranma ran at me, and I scooted a half a step backwards. He stumbled slightly, looking surprised for no reason I could discern. I swiped at him with my spatula, and his eyes widened as he skipped out of the way, and with a sparklingly swift movement, he kicked my spatula out of my hand.

"Ow!" For a split second as the exclamation burst out of my mouth, I saw Ranma wasn't quite facing me anymore, and I threw any hope of strategy to the winds and threw myself at him gracelessly.

Not my brightest idea ever. After a few seconds of grappling, the fact that he was a little bigger and a little heavier asserted itself, and he pinned me, sitting on top of me.

I have never, ever been that humiliated in my life. Beaten in a fight by a seven year old boy. And he was sitting on me again!

Before Daddy could hand him his Okonomiyaki prize, I arched and twisted like I was being electrocuted. "Get off me, dammit!"

He was ready for me this time, and didn't go flying like he had the day before, but he still couldn't stay on me, and he toppled over. I sat up, red-faced and glaring at him, but made no move to re-open hostilities. Once Daddy was sure our fight was over he handed Ranma his prize, with a warning glare at me. "Watch your mouth."

"Wai~!" Ranma cheered, beginning to happily stuff his face with free food. Irrationally, watching him eat was annoying me. I pushed my hair out of my eyes and stood up to resume my place at the grill when I faltered-winning Ranma's trust was the whole point of learning, wasn't it? If I was just going to ignore him, what was the point? I briefly considered the merits of ignoring him, and was about to try it, when he noted I wasn't watching him eat. "Ne, that was really good, Ucchan! You never made me try that hard to beat you before."

"H-uh?"

Now that he had my attention, his smile grew even bigger. Cripes, There wasn't a hint of ego in it, either. He had no clue he'd just made me look ridiculous...more so if you knew I was a full-grown man, and not the little girl I looked like. "You always just jump at me. Today you waited for me to move first. You been trainin' too, Ucchan?"

Only Ranma could add 2+2 and get 'The Battle of Trafalgar'. Someone needed to explain to him about cause and effect and how it related to people's tempers. "Uh, something like that." I muttered, lost for words. Without question, it was a compliment, but it felt unbelievably weird to receive.

Ranma nodded sagely, as though it was the only logical reply. The silence wasn't as awkward as I expected, but I still felt strangely pressured to converse. I'm not the best in social situations. If you pressed me to think of something I felt even less able to deal with than small talk, it would have to be dealing with children.

I'd like to say it again...I hate you, George.

The sun was sinking further down on the horizon, but it wasn't time to go home quite yet. Ranma was here, so his dad should be along any time, which meant he'd linger around the cart, scam a free Okonomiyaki and chat with my Daddy-

It's a little disturbing how easily I fell into the habit of calling Kuonji Akira that-

But if I could hang around and listen, maybe I could catch him at the moment he got the idea that an arranged marriage was a good idea and steer him away from it?

"Ukyo, it's almost five o'clock." Akira's voice broke me out of my thoughts, and I turned around to look at him blankly. He was smiling at me in a way that gave me a sinking feeling in my gut. Somehow, I knew that he'd already decided.

Dammit.

"Five o'clock?" I echoed, honestly not having a clue what he was referring to.

"Come on, kitten, you begged me for a week to let you and young Ranma go to the festival on your own." He was giving me that funny look again, that one that said there was another call to a child therapist in the offing. I jumped, stiffening and trying not to look as panicked as I felt.

"Right! Festival!" I blurted, running over to Ranma and grabbing his arm. "C'mon...uh, 'Ranchan'."

"My Oko'yaki!" he complained as my grip made him drop the remains of his prize. I looked: there wasn't much left of it. What was his problem?

"You were almost done." I dismissed.

"I'm still hungry!"

Daddy laughed, getting our attention, and tossed me a little roll. I grabbed it out of the air and blinked at it. Yen?

"Go feed your boyfriend, Ukyo."

"He's NOT my boyfriend! I don't need a boyfriend-" I began, glaring at Akira._ I -HATE- you, George. I've had enough humiliation in two days to last me a lifetime! _

"I'm not your friend?" Ranma was looking at me with big eyes, and a startlingly sad-faced expression, and I honestly thought he was going to cry.

"You are!" I blurted to forestall tears, though belatedly, I wondered if Genma might have beaten that out of him yet. "Just not my boyfriend!"

"If I'm a boy, and I'm your friend..." He began innocently-

"He didn't mean it like that, he meant boyfriend and girlfriend!" I was getting a blank look from him that clearly said he had no idea what I was on about. "Like a daddy and a mommy." I tried to clarify.

"Ah, it really is true, girls mature faster than boys." Akira murmured, watching me try and handle Ranma. I gave him a dirty look, and grabbed Ranma's sleeve to begin towing him toward the festival. The little boy didn't seem to mind, as he was busy wrestling with trying to untangle the riddle I'd presented him with. "Have fun!"

I resisted the urge to give him the finger.

"Ne, Ucchan, how can I be your boyfriend? You're not a girl-"

"You're NOT my boyfriend. But listen, there's something you should know, Ranchan."

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"You're lying."

"No, I'm not. I wish I was."

"Prove it."

"What? How?"

"Show me."

"..."

"Look, I'll go first-"

I hit him. "Do NOT take your pants off, dammit!" _Hate George. Hatehatehatehate. _"You don't do that. Listen to me, Ranma. This is going to be important for you to know when you grow up, and not knowing it could get you in trouble with the police. Don't ever, EVER ask a girl to take her clothes off, and ESPECIALLY don't take yours off after you ask."

"Why not?" he pouted, rubbing his head where I'd hit him.

"Look, I'm not getting into sex education with you tonight, okay? Just trust me for now. I'll explain in detail later." I looked around. We'd had this discussion well into the city, and were attempting to navigate the wooded park near the shrine where the festival was being held. There was small river running through the park, so we were following it, hoping to catch a glimpse of the festival lights. I hadn't really wanted to go to the festival, but comparing the festival with enduring more wildly inappropriate talk with a really young child, I was extremely eager to find the festival and stuff that flapping mouth with something to keep him from giving me an aneurism with his next question.

He was going to break my brain with the next question, I could FEEL it.

"Why don't you want to be my girlfriend?"

I shouldn't hate being right this much. Fortunately, whatever divine beings looking out for me that WEREN'T George gave me an out.

"Look, there's the festival." I exclaimed, ignoring him and pointing at the flashing lights now visible from the river. "Let's go, we can buy you some food."

"Woohoo!" Ranma exclaimed, grabbing me by the hand. I yelled in protest as I suddenly found myself airborne, trailing Ranma like a kite, no doubt headed for the udonyaki stands to deplete the little roll of bills I'd been given...

(((((((((())))))))))

The festival was surprisingly fun. It wasn't like being in an amusement park, or some other North American tourist trap where you're crushed by a stampede of people and pressed to enjoy yourself as fast as you can. There was a lot of people around, but it was a really laid back affair, laughing and talking and eating and playing going on all around us.

It helped my mood a little, and I wasn't as cranky as I was when we'd arrived. In fact, I'd always wanted to go to one of these, so before long I was looking around, just as eager and wide-eyed as Ranma was. We found several food stands, and Ranma and I compromised. If he tried not to eat so much, We'd visit more of the stands. He agreed on the condition I eat with him, so we had a ball trying out all sorts of different things. Udonyaki, dango, fried squid, candies-

I hit my limit pretty early on. I was surprised and vaguely annoyed that I'd gotten full so quickly, it was like a reminder of my changed circumstances just as I was beginning to forget. Ranma was under no such limitations though, and I had to force him to stop eating and try some games instead. Strangely, he wasn't very good at the scooping games, despite wanting badly one of the rubber balls you could win. I was actually pretty proud of myself-I did really well at that one and the water balloon yo-yo games, and I gave them both to Ranma who, to my surprise, was completely awed by that. The look he was giving me was making me a little embarrassed.

Oh, right. Training, never owning a toy and such.

I was beginning to feel terrible about being so mean to him earlier.

We moved onto the other games, and Ranma was much better at them. It was my turn to suck. I shot a cork wrong and it ricocheted into the wall of prizes and nearly broke one of the masks. Ranma won the ring toss game, despite having to stand on a crate to play, and the look on the booth keeper's face was priceless as Ranma eyed the most expensive prizes. I was biting my lip to keep from laughing at the older man when Ranma turned to me, then to the masks thoughtfully. I had a sudden sinking feeling-

"That one." He gestured, pointing. The Older man nodded and removed one of the masks from the rack, and Ranma took it gleefully. "Thanks!" He chirped, hopping off the crate to land in front of me, presenting his prize to me with a big grin.

It was a Pokemon mask. Not just any Pokemon, but the face of a little blue one that looked like a penguin chick. Piplup. I knew of it already, specifically because it's face adorned the pyjamas I'd forced into the previous night. It must have been Ukyo's favourite, and she told him, and the sneaky little brat remembered. What was I supposed to do?

Accepting this would set a really bad precedent. With my having let the cat out of the bag about 'boyfriend and girlfriend' earlier in the night, he might get ideas. On the other hand, for a seven year-old to be this thoughtful was a rare thing, and what with Genma's example, he needed all the positive reinforcement for good behaviour he could get. Not because the mask was cute. At all. Nope.

"Thank you," I forced my misgivings down and smiled as I took the mask. I ducked my head to hide my embarrassment and slipped the mask on sideways, like I'd seen characters wear them in the manga when they went to festivals. He was still grinning, looking immensely pleased with himself as he watched me straighten up, and I felt a frustrating pang of embarrassed insecurity. What did this all mean? Maybe it would have been better to tell Ranma the whole truth about where I came from?

While I pondered this, Ranma grabbed my hand, and began pulling me toward the cotton candy stalls again. "C'mon, let's play some more!"

We never got there, though. As Ranma pulled me along, and my face was busy trying to get hot enough to ignite my hair, we suddenly found ourselves surrounded. The group was about fifteen strong, all the same size as us. I realize that's a peculiar metric to use, but I hadn't adjusted to thinking of myself as a child yet, so I felt more that these were abnormally large children, not that I was an average child.

"Ukyo~" I started slightly as the ringleader of the children addressed me by name, and cringed as I noted all of them were crying.

_Fantastic. Crying kids. What is this, a tour of my inadequacies? _"Um. What's up, guys?" I ventured hesitantly.

"He took our money!" The speaker was a little girl behind the tow-headed boy who called to me first, and I frowned.

"Someone stole from you?" I asked, suddenly interested despite myself. I may not be able to socialize well with kids, but that didn't mean I wanted to let anyone abuse them, either.

"No, it was in a game-"

"No, he stole-"

"He's scary~!" They were beginning to make an awful din, and by my side, Ranma was beginning to look upset and confused. And still hadn't let go of my hand. Dammit, we were going to need to have a chat. Still, priorities, priorities~! I pulled my hand out of his and waved both of my hands in the air.

"Whoa, whoa. Stop. QUIET!" I shouted. Agreeably, the little monsters shut up, though not all of them looked happy about it. Ranma was looking at me like I'd turned blue, but I ignored him and pointed to the lead boy. "You. Tell me everything. Slowly."

He did. The boy (Who's name was apparently Junichi) had gone to a dilapidated little booth in the back corner of the festival down by the river, and discovered the stall owner was running card games for prizes. Since he had bad luck at the usual fair games, he thought he'd give it a shot. The owner-a really freaky looking old man with funny hair and a weirdly curled beard, not to mention a hat and coat with all the symbols of playing cards on them-had accepted his money, then proceeded to win every single game. Which was weird, but not all that remarkable, until he went through all the kids, and not ONE SINGLE KID had beaten him, and so they'd all been on the lookout for someone to take him on to get their money back...

"Oh no." I clutched my head. "I can't believe this. It's the friggin' Gambling King-"

"Who?" Ranma blinked.

"You know him, Ukyo?" One of the little girls sounded awed.

"As expected of Ukyo-"

"That was definitely the name he was using-" The kids were whispering in amongst themselves now, and I sighed.

"He's a jerk that plays card games with little kids for money. He's never won against a grown up." I explained to Ranma, who nodded.

"Sounds like a loser." He opined sagely, nodding. That was about as far as he got before the group of kids crowded us again.

"You can do it!"

"Please, Please get my money, it's all I have for the festival-"

"Aah!" I clapped my hands over my ears as the noise built again, looking over to Ranma for help. Some help. He was clutching his fist and making his 'bold face'.

"You gotta do it, Ucchan. A true martial artist faces any challenge!"

"It's not a challenge, Ranchan! He cheats! I wouldn't win to begin with-" I protested, and...oh god, the kids were crying again. "All right, shut up, I'll do something about this!" I bellowed, and they immediately stopped...as if they weren't really crying to begin with. Lordy, children are far more demonically manipulative than they're given credit for. I turned to my companion solemnly.

"Ranchan, I got an idea. I'm not going to take him on at his own game, but I'm going to beat him. I need your help." I told him seriously.

He looked troubled.

"We're supposed to accept challenges-"

"Not when they're rigged. You're supposed to find a way to win no matter what. Isn't your school's secret technique just running away until you can think of a new plan?"

Watching his eyes bug out was pretty fun. "H-How did you know...you can't tell Pops, Okay?"

"I'm not going to tell him. I might need to use it against him someday." I smirked. "Are you going to help, or what?"

"Uh, I guess?" Ranma didn't sound sure at all, and I winced a little. He was still only seven. Did I have the right to bully him into this?

"You better be sure. If we get caught, we could get into trouble."

Ranma blinked. "Trouble? That means...it'll probably be fun, huh? You sure are acting different. I thought you didn't like getting in trouble?"

"I can put up with it now and then." I couldn't stop grinning. Ranma was talking himself into it. If I just waited a bit more...

"Okay." He said finally, his grin growing to match mine. "If you mean it, I'll do it."

"Ranchan, make no mistake about it-" I paused, winking at him. "I aim to misbehave."

A cheer went up from the children who had been silently watching us debate, which startled me. My Malcolm Reynolds impression wasn't -that- good.

(((((((((())))))))))

It was a relatively simple matter to give Ranma a quick rundown on what I wanted. I had originally wanted to do this part myself, but humility forced me to admit that the role I had in mind played to Ranma's strengths. If I wanted to come out of this on top, I had to put the best people where they could do the most good. Though, if I was going to be Ukyo for a long time, I had to do something about getting to where I could do things like what I asked of Ranma. In this place and time, people could learn to do amazing things. Why should I settle for being normal?

Still, the future was a ways off. I had to make do with what I was now. Unfortunately, what I was was not good enough. I'm habitually honest, and pathetically easy to read. The Gambling King would eat me alive if I didn't present an entirely different image. Even if I was just acting, the Gambling King would have to figure out which parts were real, and which were fake. Given the reception to my movie quote earlier, I decided on Malcolm Reynolds as the image I wanted to present. It might not wear so well on a young girl, but it had the right amount of confidence, and I sorely needed some.

I swaggered down the little alley, with the assembled children providing an entourage, and hopefully, making me seem a little more impressive. Junichi gave me directions to the stall, and sure enough, a living king of hearts in a beat up old card-themed haori and a funny hat was playing cards with a preschooler.

"Hup!" he uttered in a funny sounding voice as the child played a card. He promptly played another, bigger card. "You lose."

I could see the kid's tears about to start, and if I had to deal with one more crying child that night, I was going to punch someone. Fortunately, children are easy to distract. Before he could get going, I strode up to the King's mat and put my foot down, hard. _Hey! I wonder if this is where that expression comes from? _"Hey. 'you the Patagh who's taking these kids money?" _Oh god, seriously? This is what I get for not knowing the appropriate Chinese. And Klingon? What part of my brain thought that would be better than an English swearword? I am SO BAD at this. _Still, the intent seemed to get across as he frowned at the unknown word.

"Oho? What business is it of yours?"

"I just aim to see justice done." Okay, this little act was embarrassing the hell out of me, and I was about to drop it when I looked at the kids out of the corner of my eye. They were eating it up. Especially the girls. Which pleased me on a completely random level. Alright, I was in too far to just drop it now anyway. "How 'bout we have a friendly little wager. You and me. One on one."

"I accept." He replied grandly. "The game?"

I took a deep breath. "Go Fish." His jaw fell open, and I smirked. That should be harder to cheat with while using extra cards. Still, it could be done. He obviously thought the same, because he nodded primly and began to deal.

It was a long, slow game. I was watching him like a hawk, but I felt sure I was missing his moves, since ever so often, I could see little flickers of motion near him. I was starting to get anxious. The King was leading, but he looked impatient with the game, though as I told him to go fish, I saw a little flicker of motion a little further away and behind the king, the motion ruffling the haori slightly.

_Aww, yeah! My trump card is in place! _ I thought gleefully. Sure enough, the King laid down another pair, and I smirked lopsidedly as I pointed to his cards. "Ah know y'all must not play this game much, but the rules say you can only lay down pairs, King." I drawled.

"What?" He looked at me as though he was addressing an uppity peasant. I pointed again.

"Three and Jack." I observed.

"What? I swore I took out a-"

"Yes?" I smiled nastily. "Care to finish that sentence in front of all these fine people that you done stole from, King?" I gestured to the kids surrounding me, and their expressions were not at all pleasant.

"N-Nothing at all."

"No, don't be shy." Ranma's voice came out from behind the rack of the King's belongings, and he stepped into view, his arms folded. "You got hand speed like a pro. I can't wait to spar with pops with some 'a the things I learned just watchin' you tonight. What'd you think of they way I swapped that Jack you were drawin'?" Ranma looked at me and grinned. "You were right, Ucchan. All the extra cards are in his coat and belly warmer thingy. Oh, and a few under the mat."

"Good work, Ranchan." I stood up, smiling at the King, too gleeful to be properly menacing. Something had finally gone right for me! "Well? Want to take it off, or shall we do it for you?"

"What are you-"

I turned to the kids. "Everyone, find your own stuff and take it back. But only yours. Ranchan'll be making sure none of you get greedy." I declared.

"Everything here belongs to me! I won it legally! Take it, and I'll call the police!"

The crowd of children stopped cold, looking to me again, and for once tonight, I was enjoying being the ringleader. "Ranchan, in a martial arts tournament, what do they do after you win if they found out you broke the rules?"

Ranma blinked at me, perplexed by the change in conversational topics. "Uh, they take away your prize? I mean, I guess. Not that that happened to us."

"Right." I nodded, and on impulse I darted forward, lunging at the Gambling King's head. I suppose I got lucky, he looked too surprised to do anything about it, and I caught him at the shoulder, both of us going down in a heap. On impact with the ground, several jokers, and what I suspected were newly added face cards and numbers flew into the air, and fluttered to the ground around us. "You broke the rules of the game, King. That means you took their money under false pretences. The police call that fraud. So go on. Call 'em." I challenged. This was a little risky. It'd never hold up in court, and I was as likely to be charged for assault as he was to be punished at all, but dammit, I was RIGHT.

He glared at me for a long moment, then looked away. "Fine. You win this time. Take your gains."

"Not so fast." I shifted so I was sitting upright, standing, really, my feet on his arms. I decided to push my luck. "I think we WANNA call 'em. That'll be real justice for someone who picks on kids. Unless..."

He glared at me again, catching the drift of the drawn out pause. "Name your terms, you little witch."

I leered, suddenly liking being Kuonji Ukyo. "I think you'll be wanting to change that last w to a b, Sugar."

(((((((((())))))))))

Ranma and I looked at our handiwork with smug satisfaction. He'd resisted a little, but Ranma and I had overpowered him, and trussed him up just like I'd read in the manga. Only instead of tossing him in the river, We'd hung him from a tree and affixed a paper to his chest, writing 'I cheat little kids out of money' on it. We told the kids what we had in mind, and it was all over the festival in minutes. A small army of children returned in a steady flow, almost all of them armed with rotten eggs and fruit, and they proceeded to pelt him silly. He was already covered by the time Ranma and I turned away, and judging by the yelps, it was only getting worse.

It was a small thing, hardly on par with even the least of Ranma's canon manga fights, but it felt stupendous to me, like I'd done something awesome. It did not at all make being dumped into a little girl's skin any better, but it did help me feel good somehow. Like I could be Ukyo and get comfortable. I was grinning like an idiot, and Ranma noticed, but to his credit, he didn't take the moment away.

"That was pretty cool, Ucchan."

"Thanks." I beamed at him, and after a beat, remembered that Ranma was the only reason it worked. "Couldn't have done it without you, partner."

He actually blushed. "It was fun." He beamed back.

"So, are you gonna teach me those moves you picked up from him?" I laughed.

"Why? You're a girl, so-OW!"

So much for a nice moment. I went from unbelievably smug to irate as I withdrew my fist and Ranma favoured his eye. "So?" I asked, dangerously.

"..." Ranma switched tacks immediately. "You just need trainin'."

"Smart boy." I sighed, forcing myself not to hold a grudge. His upbringing...jebas. "Don't just go saying that because that's what other people say or think, Ranm...Ranchan. You'll find yourself a lot better off if you can hold off on listening to people, even your dad, unless he can prove he's right."

"Okay." He nodded readily, eyeing me warily. I guessed where his line of thought was going.

"That applies to me, too! Don't go believing everything you're told! Verify it."

"Vehr-eye-fy?"

"It means to find out for yourself if it's true." I sighed. Randomly, he reached over and pulled the Piplup mask (Which I had forgot I was wearing still) down over my face. "What?" I objected, flailing a little and pushing the mask off of my face and up onto my forehead.

"I was verifyin'!" he protested as he caught a look at my expression.

"Verifying what?" I demanded.

"Piplup looks nice. So does Ucchan. I just verified that you're cute."

I froze as fire erupted in my face, I could feel the heat radiating away from my blush as I gaped, trying to form a coherent answer. _Does he have some sort of bizarre split personality? Is this just something that -happens- now that he knows Ukyo's...I mean, my gender? Holy crap, why am I blushing this bad?_ I stumbled back a few steps.

"R-Ranchan, we need to-" 'have a long talk' I wanted to say, but I never got to finish my sentence, my eyes falling on something between two of the festival booths, It was making a low, droning scraping noise as it appeared seemingly out of nowhere, a flashing light atop a huge, man-sized blue box faded into view.

I fell to my knees. I was reeling from this development. I was in a universe where anime was real, magic was a tantalizing possibility, and if I worked at it, I could train my body to do amazing things. I had just started to feel a little, tiny bit at home, and suddenly reality was yanked out from underneath me once again as I read the sign over the boxes windows.

"Police Box: Public Call."

Next: Young Ukyo's new world is expanded tremendously as she attempts to meet a famous traveller who just might be able to provide a way home, or into really serious trouble! Be here next time, for 'Is there a Doctor in the house?' or 'Dalek down under'!


	2. Chapter 2

As You Like It: Remix

Chapter Two

Way To Go!

I know it's not the usual reaction, but I actually got nauseous. It was like...when I saw that police box fading into view with that familiar grating whoosh, and the pulsing light on it's roof, it was like I was thrown into free fall, my stomach doing flips. It's not that I hated Doctor Who. On the contrary, I loved it. But after a little over a full day here, and beginning to get my bearings, the shock was staggering. The implications of it's appearance alone were frightening.

I knew, of course, that this wasn't my world. If the body of a young girl hadn't underlined that point enough, dealing with a pathetic card shark, and watching Ranma's already startling martial arts skills (I preferred not to think of how he got them to that level at such a young age. Genma was far too large of a problem to tackle) had made that point quite nicely. But the overwhelming perils of such a world seemed far off-especially in the cocoon of childhood.

But here, and now...the TARDIS was here. Which made a whole slew of potential dangers somehow more visceral and immediate as well. My first instinct was to run.

Okay, okay. My first instinct was to knock and ask for an autograph. My -second- was to grab Ranma and run.

I took a deep breath, trying to work through this. What did this even mean? The TARDIS arriving here, at this point in time seemed insane-a coincidence of cosmic proportions. Unless there was a puppet master behind the scenes, the coincidence had to be due to higher proportions of fantastic things occurring at any given time. That was a scary, scary thought. Also breathtaking. You had the potential to live an amazing life in this world...but it also had the potential to end in amazing ways, and I wasn't sure what to-

"Ucchan?" Ranma was poking me now, and out of the corner of my eye, he looked worried. He poked me harder, and I jerked out of my fugue, frowning at him and rubbing my shoulder where he poked me.

"What?" I grumbled. "That hurt, you know."

He just smirked at me in a way that made me want to smack him. If he made another comment about girls, I would. I was becoming defensive about my adopted gender. "You been out of it for like a minute, just starin' into space." He pointed out mildly.

"I have?" I jerked my eyes over to the TARDIS, feeling a spike of fear as instinct told me it would be gone. Fortunately, I was wrong on that score. It was solid now.

"Yeah-hey. What do you keep lookin' at?" he frowned. I sighed. Well, there was no reason not to tell him. I still had high hopes for him as an ally to build a better future for me-or rather, Ukyo.

"That blue box." I told Ranma, pointing. "Between the Ring toss game and the grilled squid stand."

"Huh?" Ranma peered into the warmly lit evening and started slightly as he saw it. "What the heck? Has that always been there?"

"No, it just arrived." I told him absently, studying the box.

A few more seconds passed. "What's so special about it, Ucchan?" he asked finally. "It's just a boring box..."

"From the outside, maybe." I replied, quietly. "But it's who's inside that matters. There's a man who travels in it. He's called the Doctor. He's been everywhere in the galaxy, fighting monsters and evil. He's the smartest person you'll ever meet."

Ranma made a derisive noise. "Yeah, right. The Galaxy? How smart can he be if he travels in a box? It ain't even got wheels."

"It travels in time and space. It's called the TARDIS." I smiled a little. "You should see the inside." Suddenly, it hit me. The Doctor WAS the smartest person I was ever likely to meet. He regularly solved impossible problems. Maybe even impossible problems like a man becoming a seven year old girl. If I could meet him, he might be able to get the first Ukyo back, and send me home!

I was thinking so hard that when the TARDIS's door opened, I jumped from the shock. He stepped out of TARDIS, grinning widely and stretching his arms as if presenting the entire world. He was a tall man, easily at least two heads bigger than Daddy. Even though he was dressed in dark colours, black pants, dark blue shirt and a black leather jacket, he stood out in the night like he was lit up from within. His hair was buzzed close to his scalp, and even though he had a large nose and ears, there was a sort of dignity to his bearing that didn't lose an ounce of with a wide grin on his face.

A woman followed him out, where he was all dark and gleaming, she looked soft and bright. Her hair was a golden blonde, and her lips were spread in a tentative smile as she looked around at his behest, some sort of tension seeming to slip out of her, as if in approval of what she saw.

To my surprise, that wasn't the end-a second, younger man emerged from the TARDIS. His hair was dark like the Doctor's but longer, brushed neatly, but still spiky arrangement. He dressed differently, white shirt and brown pants, but with military looking boots, and a long, navy coloured coat. He was all smiles and disconcertingly pretty, for a man.

"Which one is the Doctor?" Ranma whispered.

"The older one." I replied, recognizing them all. "The girl is Rose Tyler, and the other man is Captain Jack...Harkness."

"How do you know all this?" He wondered.

"I'm very clever." I deadpanned. Ranma just nodded, which made my cheeks warm for no particular reason. The three adults looked around and decided, apparently, to have a look around the festival and walked on into the main thoroughfare, and down through the booths. I opened my mouth to tell him I was going to follow them when he beat me to the punch.

"I wanna go look at that box." Ranma decided suddenly, and began marching over to where the TARDIS sat.

"Okay, I-" I blinked. "Wait, what?" My eyes tried to jump out of my head as my companion made a beeline for the TARDIS. I tore after him, my original objective completely forgotten-I had to keep him out of trouble with the Doctor, for both our sakes! "Ranma, WAIT!"

(((((((((())))))))))

Naturally, once Ranma saw me running after him, he turned it into a race. Also naturally, I couldn't compete. On a purely logical level this made sense-I was a normal, healthy-even athletic child, and he was, well, Saotome Ranma. On an emotional level, I was beginning to feel a little frustrated and inadequate coming in a distant second during physical contests. My new gender only added to the frustration-if I let things sit, how long would it be before I excused the gap as only natural for a boy to win against a girl?

What a curious time to gain a new perspective on feminism.

I caught up to Ranma as he was examining the TARDIS' wooden exterior with his fingertips, a dubious expression on his face as he looked up at the sign, reading it slowly. I put my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath as he sounded out the syllables. "Po-Porisu terefunu-"

I straightened up, raising an eyebrow. Getting that much from a sign in English was pretty impressive. Even if the TARDIS was helping out, he was pretty young-I couldn't imagine Genma had taught him to read yet. Was he as dense as advertised, or just ignorant, thanks to Genma? "Police Telephone. Free for use of public. Advice and Assistance available immediately. Officers and Cars respond to all calls. Pull to open." I read for him.

"Police?" Ranma echoed dubiously. "Pops doesn't like the police." he frowned up at the TARDIS.

"Yeah, well, he wouldn't." I rolled my eyes, resisting the urge to call Genma names. Even if he was a thief, trying to sell a little boy on the idea that his father was...disreputable was a losing proposition. I knew from personal experience. I had been a little boy once, and even though my father left us after doing awful things, it had still taken me years to shed the hero worship. "That's only what it looks like, Ranchan. The inside is different-What are you doing?" I demanded.

While I spoke, he had ducked around me, and moved for the door, reaching for it and stopping to look at me, hand still inches from it. "I wanna see inside." He replied patiently, then flashed a grin at me that was insufferably smug. "So do you." He pointed out.

_Nailed_. _Dammit_. "...Yes." I admitted, flustered. Ranma was making a habit out of messing with me tonight, and if he wasn't so innocent, I'd be questioning his sincerity every time he spoke. "But not enough to piss off a nine hundred year old time traveller that fights impossibly powerful aliens. I need to talk to him, and he's not likely to listen if we commit a felony while getting his attention."

"I bet you're fibbing, and just don't want me to look and catch ya." Ranma suddenly frowned, giving me a suspicious look.

"I am not!"

"Then come with me."

"Ranma, if we get in trouble-"

He winced as I used his full name. I guess he preferred 'ranchan'? "C'mon, Ucchan, we just caught a bad guy. We can handle trouble. How often do you get a chance to see something like this? You know, -If- you're not trying to trick me."

This was not good. "It...it'll be locked." I replied, hesitantly, my resolve to be a responsible adult, no matter my form, failing me utterly as I grasped for one insurmountable obstacle to thwart my burgeoning desire to give in.

In response, he simply reached for the door and pulled.

It swung open easily, and he grinned at me.

I uttered a soft obscenity.

He gave me a funny look. "Your dad's gonna stick soap in your mouth again."

I stuck my tongue out at him and sighed. How could they have forgotten to lock it? This was really their fault for tempting us so badly-I sighed. It was a terrible rationalization, but it would have to do. A flock of butterflies went completely bonkers in my stomach as I took a deep breath, and gave Ranma a wan smile in response. "Okay, I give up. Let's go in."

He grinned again, and I felt profoundly sorry for Tendo Akane years from now. She didn't stand a chance. He opened the door all the way, and we marched in together.

(((((((((())))))))))

I was starting to lose count of all the times I had been overwhelmed in the past day and a half. This one in particular was a welcome change from the others, however, as it didn't involve me stressing myself out over the implications of my arrival in Japan. There was no profound feeling of anything, really, as we crossed the threshold into the interior of the TARDIS. One moment, tiny box, the next...walking into an unattended cathedral.

The huge, overarching, sloping walls with metallic domes inset into them in many, many rows did give the whole interior an oddly religious feel. Banks of organic looking coral sort of...grew upward into support beams, framing a a platform that held a central control console. The console itself surrounded a main pillar that was clear, with other clear, moving parts within them. The hell of it was-there was more to it-just looking upward, I could see staircases and rooms branching away from the main column-it was stunningly immense.

Ranma was less awed than I was, but no less impressed. "This is COOL!" he crowed, looking around eagerly. He gleefully ran up the metal gangplank onto the main control deck, clambering onto a nearby chair to get a better view, peering at the console curiously, then frowning as he looked at the letters. Or lack thereof.

I followed him up onto the metal grating that served as a console deck much less enthusiastically, nervously looking over my shoulder, half expecting the Doctor to burst in at any moment. _I really should be enjoying this more. Who else gets to even look inside a real, working TARDIS? What kind of fanboy...er, girl, am I? _

"Hey, Ucchan! Where are all the words?" Ranma looked to me, and I noted somewhat smugly that all his doubt and suspicion had vanished. Unfortunately, he was treating me like a resident subject matter expert, which I was definitely not. If I was smart enough to be that, I'd be bright enough to figure out how to keep a rambunctious seven year old boy out of trouble. I wished I was an adult again, if only to have a size advantage to dragging him out of here bodily. Reluctantly, I climbed up beside him, looking around. As he said, there were no letters, but here and there there were post-its with many, many intersecting and concentric circles, and...

I blinked as a fragment of memory of the DVD came back to me, and I pointed at the post-its with the circles. "Those are his language."

"That's just a bunch of circles."

"Yeah, but that's what his people use instead of letters."

"How do you say that, then?" He wondered.

"Ask someone from Gallifrey." I retorted, looking at the various knobs and switches and buttons and monitors. The temptation was killing me, but common sense was firmly in the lead.

"Gallifrey?"

"That's his planet." I explained without looking up. "He's not from Earth."

"Foo~" Ranma grumped. He sat down hard on the chair, his bottom lip stuck out in a pout. "How are we supposed to time travel, if we can't steer it?"

"We're not." I told him, pushing away from the console and putting my hands on my hips. "You can't do things like time travel with out a plan, anyway." I tried to sound authoritative, but it just doesn't fly from a seven year old. I decided to take a softer sell on it. "Ranchan, let's go outside and wait. This is trespassing, and I don't think Aliens like it any better than people."

Ranma gave me a rebellious look, but without keys or a driver, he couldn't start it up to spite me anyway. However, his eyes did rise, and he narrowed them as he saw different staircases and doorways. "There's other rooms in here?" He looked at me, and I felt a chill at the renewed light in his eyes.

"Yeah...A library and a pool that I know of...and a wardro-" I said slowly, so slowly that he grabbed my hand before I could finish the sentence and hauled me off of the chair at a dead run.

"We gotta go exploring!" He cheered, dragging me bodily for the stairs. I was beginning to despair of ever getting him out of the TARDIS, and I thought briefly about abandoning him to the Doctor's mercies-but I just couldn't.

Literally. He had my hand in a death grip. And let's be honest-I wasn't fighting very hard. The 'adult' part of my brain was reeling off dozens and dozens of reasons this was a terrible idea, and had I been on my own, I would have been too chicken to try this. Which isn't to say I didn't want to. How could I not? Living an ordinary life, there's a definite cap on the number of amazing things you'll get to see in your lifetime. Any opportunity to do something incredible...well, it should be seized. Ranma was serving admirably as the little devil on my metaphorical shoulder as he dragged me up the stairs. My worries were receding into the background as I gave in again.

Doubtless, it wouldn't be the last time. Strangely enough, the thought didn't come with a frown this time. My desire for the Doctor's help was put squarely on hold as we ran up to see what awaited us.

(((((((((())))))))))

The answer was: more than you could possibly imagine without the air of powerful narcotics. It wasn't just an elaborate living space and ship. You could amuse yourself for decades without ever actually leaving the TARDIS. Bedrooms, Kitchens, a gym, the aforementioned pool. We actually did go for a swim. It was sort of melancholy to watch Ranma enjoy the water, knowing what would happen to him in ten years. Also, he took the opportunity to confirm my new gender, and I hit him again. I was beginning to really worry there was something in the air in this universe that turned girls violent.

The weirdest part was that the hallways always seemed a little different whenever we exited a room. Ranma didn't seem to notice, but I wondered about it. The TARDIS was supposed to be alive, wasn't it? Was it actually...babysitting us, somehow? I was thoroughly distracted from that line of thought as we passed a roomful of books. My eyes widened, and I dug in my heels, pulling Ranma to a stop. Yes, he was holding my hand again. It was embarrassing, but he'd taken to grabbing my hand everywhere we went in here, and after a few dozen rooms, I stopped blushing and just let him. It was convenient at the moment, though.

"What?" he blinked at me.

"I want to go in there."

He peered in where I was pointing and made a face when he saw the books. "Books? No way."

"Yes way." I insisted. "If you don't want to come in, then let go." I replied, pulling on his hand.

He didn't let go. I had a sinking feeling that I didn't have much time to nip this new spin on his attachment-slash-'friendship' in the bud before there would be some mighty hurt feelings when I finally did. "Books are boring." He whined.

"What if there's books about martial arts from other worlds in there?" I pointed out. This proved to be one of the brightest things I had ever said. The benefits were twofold-he let go of my hand and ran into the room so fast that the displaced air from his passing ruffled my hair.

I promptly sneezed as my long brown hair tickled my nose. "So that's what girls wear ponytails for." I muttered, rubbing my nose.

"What are ya waitin' for, Ucchan, c'mon!"

"Coming~" I smirked, following Ranma into the room. The knowledge collected here ought to be pretty special...

(((((((((())))))))))

And it was, really. Once we puzzled out the filing system (nearly nonexistent) we managed to unearth quite a collection of interesting information. Ranma was already absorbed in a book titled 'Sontaran Unarmed Combat Techniques', and I was looking in one that was titled '101 Ways To Turn A Toaster Into A Death Ray' when we both heard the sound.

It was the same wheezing, metallic groaning we'd both heard when the TARDIS had materialized in the shadows of the festival. Ranma looked up, a little annoyed that his reading had been interrupted-perhaps because it looked as though he was struggling with it-but he didn't seem to catch the implications of the noise.

However, it made a chill slither down my spine the same not-chill I got when I first realized I had been transplanted into the body of Kuonji Ukyo. "We're taking off!" I exclaimed, alarmed.

"So?" He asked blankly.

"So?" I echoed, incredulously. "SO? So this is an alien time machine, not a train-we could end up anywhere...-anyWHEN-," I stressed. "We can't just hike back to our dads if we don't get off now!"

Ranma twitched slightly. "Gotcha. Let's go." He dropped his book and tore out of the room. I ran after him, a sinking feeling enveloping me entirely. _I've got a bad feeling about this._

"...I don't understand."

"Yeah, I gotta say, Doctor-I wish you'd explained all this better. You ran out of the temple like your hair was on fire. Can't you tell us where we're go-"

It was at this point that attempting to retrace our route and get back to the control console room that a random hallway ejected us into the main room of the TARDIS several twists and turns earlier than it should have, a vague confirmation that the TARDIS had been playing with us, or giving us a tour, or something. Captain Jack had been speaking, but he cut himself off as Ranma and I ran into the room, his eyebrows shooting up as we skidded to a stop, guiltily looking up at the three adults up on the deck around the console.

"This is new." Captain Jack glanced over at the Doctor, who was staring at us with the oddest expression on his face. "I know I haven't exactly had a chance to look at all the rooms, but a nursery is the kind of thing you expect to find out about within the first day or two."

The Doctor gave Jack a sharp look. "They're not mine."

"You stole them?"

"Of course he didn't!" Rose objected.

The Doctor just rolled his eyes, and walked down the ramp to our level, standing in front of Ranma and I, folding his arms and frowning down at us. "You're not supposed to be here." he told us forbiddingly. The bad feeling I had only got worse.

I caught a glimpse of movement out of the corner of my eye, and I turned to see Ranma stepping forward, a defiant look in his eye, and I turned around and grabbed him, clamping my hand over his mouth. "Stop it." I hissed.

"Ffphrtdit!" Ranma mumbled through my hands.

"No, he didn't. If you pick a fight here, I will never speak to you again, understand?"

"Mmpth!"

It was oddly flattering how shocked he looked, though I did feel bad for him, so I softened my tone. "These aren't bad people. You can only fight if someone attacks you first, and I'm doing the talking, you understand?"

"Mm."

That last was rather sulky, but the fire had gone out of his eyes.

"You done yet?" The Doctor asked, in a gently sarcastic way.

"Yes sir." I replied, releasing Ranma but watching him cautiously. After he did nothing more offensive than stick out his bottom lip in a pout that was too cute not to smile at, I turned to step in front of Ranma, and bowed as politely as I could. "We're really sorry for intruding. This was my fault."

"What?" Ranma blurted from behind me, and I stood up quickly and glared over my shoulder at him to shut him up.

"I spotted the TARDIS landing, and you and your companions going to see the festival," I went on quickly to cut off Ranma's objection, "And I needed to ask for your help, so we went over to wait at the TARDIS. We gave in to the urge to explore when we found the door open."

"Open?" He echoed, most of his disapproval being refocused at the black-haired man standing up near the console.

"...Oops." Jack smiled sheepishly.

The Doctor and Rose both frowned at him for that, but the former didn't waste any time dwelling on it. He turned back to me, and his expression was kinder than it had been, though he still seemed so -charged- with energy that it was a bit intimidating. "Well then." He smiled slightly. "You're honest, and that's good. And you're a well mannered little miss-" he added, glancing at Ranma pointedly.

I winced at the 'compliment', but managed to go back to a straight face as he went on,

"-So I think there's no harm done. Yet. But we're off, and we can't just head back straight away to take you home, so you'll be coming with us for a bit. Be good, and stay out from underfoot, or I'll lock the two of you in a spare room until we can get you home. Got it?"

"Yessir." I winced again, though I could see Ranma making his angry face out of the corner of my eye.

The Doctor suddenly smiled at me, and I blinked at the abrupt change in his mood. "Good. How about your friend, here?" He crouched down to my level to look me in the eye. His smile was easier now, more relaxed as he gestured to Ranma with a movement of his head. "He doesn't look too happy."

"Don't hold it against him, please." I asked, nervously. I had the feeling I was treading on thin ice, and this was all very sudden. "He's been training in martial arts exclusively since he was very young, and his father doesn't teach him much else."

Ranma pursed his lips. "I don't need nothing else-I'm gonna have my own dojo!" He insisted, giving me a wounded look.

"Ranchan, you need to go to school to be certified to teach martial arts." I tried. I needed the Doctor's help, but I couldn't afford to alienate Ukyo's...no, my best friend to get it. "Ask any master of a dojo you go to if he went to school, and if so, for how long? A lot of them even have university degrees."

"University?" He echoed, looking less personally slighted, and more utterly confused.

Rose and Jack were leaning on the railing of the control deck, looking down at us, and they traded glances.

"Cute kids." Rose commented.

"They remind me of someone." Captain Jack added, grinning.

"That'll be enough out of you lot." The Doctor told Jack. "Since you left the door open, you get babysitting duty."

"Sure. I like kids." Jack smiled at us agreeably. Ranma gave him a dubious look.

"If you're a Captain, you must be a soldier, right?"

Rose covered her mouth, but I could tell she was biting back a laugh. "That's what I thought at first, too."

Jack looked uncomfortable. "Well, it's kind of complicated..."

The Doctor stared at Ranma. "How did you know that he goes by a rank?"

I flinched, a bad feeling coming over me, and I opened my mouth to stop Ranma. "Ranchan don't-"

"Ucchan told me. You're the Doctor, She's Rose Tyler, and he's Captain Jack Harkness-" He blinked at my objection. "...What?"

I sighed and hung my head. "Nothing." I lifted my head and glanced at the assembled adults-Rose looked surprised, but she was smiling-Captain Jack was smirking as though it was nothing less than expected.

The Doctor, however, was giving me an intense look that made me shiver-This wasn't, as fan boys like me referred to him, the happy go lucky, jovial Tenth doctor. This was The Ninth, and not only was he scary, if he thought I was a threat-if he got really, really mad, I could measure my lifespan in seconds. "I'm used to people knowing my name, but you're not old enough for Rose to be famous. I think it's time you and I had a long talk about that problem you wanted my help with, don't you?"

I flinched, taking a step back. "Uh...Maybe I-" I stammered, most of my concentration devoted to not wetting my pants. Salvation came from an unexpected source as Rose came down off the raised grating and took his arm. "Doctor, she's barely six. You're scaring her."

He blinked, as though the thought honestly hadn't occurred to him, and his expression eased. "Don't worry, I don't bite." He told me, nodding to Rose. He patted my head lightly, knocking the Piplup mask I had forgotten I was wearing down and over my eyes. I liked that, somehow. Marginal protection from embarrassment, at least.

"Weren't you headed somewhere?" I asked uneasily, the plastic muffling my words a little.

"It'll take a little while to get to 1336. Someone is there who shouldn't be, that's all. Plenty of time to turn over a problem like yours in my head. Jack, entertain..."

"Ranma."

"...Ranma while we talk to-?"

"Ukyo."

"Ranma and Ukyo." The Doctor suddenly smiled as though he knew something I didn't. "Fantastic."

(((((((((())))))))))

The debriefing took place in what seemed to essentially be a food preparation room. I was learning more and more about the interior of the TARDIS than I had ever dreamed. They seated me at a table across from the Doctor while Rose busied herself making tea. When I was handed a cookie, I had a vague feeling of being patronized, but I let it slide, since it was practically reflex for adults to instinctively treat children this way. Plus, hey! Cookies are awesome. And since Ranma and Jack were elsewhere, I spilled my guts. All of them. Right from the first time George wandered into the Starbucks, right up till the current moment.

By the time I finished, Rose was looking at me incredulously while the Doctor's sonic screwdriver was out, and he was running it the full length of my body.

"So...we're a TV show, then?"

"In the UK, yes." I was trying to keep still to let the Doctor finish. Sonic waves tickled. "I...I'm not sure how much more about that I should say. I don't know how closely your adventures track with the episodes I've seen."

"Good girl." The Doctor commented as he worked on me. "Caution is always wise."

"I just told you, I'm not a girl." I commented sourly as the gentle humming from his device ceased.

"Oh, I beg to differ." The Doctor's tone was light, but sympathetic. Even so, his proclamation made me flinch. "One hundred percent female...or as close to it as a human gets, and pure Asian ancestry- Excluding a possible Caucasian somewhere a few generations back on your mother's...sorry, Ukyo's mother's side."

I felt sick. "I'm not lying about this." I insisted.

"Oh, I didn't say you were."

I blinked at the tall man owlishly, the frustration being halted by his words as I awaited more.

"Purely on a physical level, you are exactly who you appear to be." He went on. "But your accent is a little different than a young lady born and raised in Kyoto should be. Probably the Canadian in you. Not to mention your brain activity is also maybe a little further along than expected from a child, but the real kicker is on the quantum level. Your brain activity's just a tiny bit different from your body."

Rose looked stumped. I could relate.

"Stephen Hawking I'm not, Doctor." I said as politely as I could manage.

"Ah, old Steve. Good to know he's a constant in more than one universe. What I mean, is-there's a sort of thumbprint to each dimension. An...ID badge that says 'I belong here'. Your body has it, but your brain's is just a bit different. Not enough to be incompatible, but enough to let me give you the benefit of the doubt."

My heart soared. "Can you fix it?"

"Probably not."

He was so matter-of-fact about the reply that it took my brain a moment to register what he'd actually said. As my heart reversed course and splashed into my guts, my expression probably said it all, because Rose jumped in at that point. "Doctor!"

"What? You want me to lie to her?" He protested.

"Well, no." Rose hesitated. "But that was a little blunt, don't you think?"

"Better to be honest. Without a clue where she came from, or where the child the body belongs to is, there's nothing that can be safely done about it that doesn't involve things I'm not willing to do."

"What kind of things-" Rose began, but I cut her off before she could begin an interrogation.

"The Doctor has his reasons, Miss Tyler." I managed hoarsely. Both the adults stopped to look at me. It was a struggle to talk around the dismay I was feeling. I just wanted to curl up and die. Settling for one out of two, I drew my legs up onto the chair with me and hugged them to myself. I had always imagined the term 'crushing disappointment' to be something of a flamboyant turn of phrase, but feeling as though my chest was being squeezed relentlessly had altered my perspective. "Whatever you might try would either take decades, or the risk of me dying is abnormally high, isn't it?"

He nodded solemnly, crouching down to my level. "Up in the ninety-nine point nine nine five range." he told me gently. "And with the Timelords gone-you know about that from your shows, do you?"

I nodded silently, afraid of picking at that particular open wound of his.

"With that being as it is, I couldn't breach the dimensional barriers to put you back where you belong, anyhow."

I hung my head. I was out of options. A heaven-sent opportunity had led to a dead end. If the Doctor couldn't help me, then the list of people who could...well, the chance of me being able to go home soon was very small, if it existed at all.

"Do you want to come with me?" I started slightly, looking up at him. The Doctor's eyes were full of sympathy, but his face had a smile on it. "Call it a consolation prize." He suggested.

"Ooh! Wait, maybe..." Rose began her sentence excitedly, but trailed off into uncertainty. "Is it safe to take children with us?"

"I'm not a-" I began hotly, but Rose crouched down to my level and took my hand.

"I meant in size, love." She assured me. "I believe you, too. Even if you are adorable."

"I'm not...I mean...Huh? What?" Not my smoothest comeback ever.

"We're only going to Kyoto in 1336. An old friend is stranded there, and he could use some help." The Doctor shrugged. "Then maybe a little jaunt-Barcelona, maybe?-then back home in time for bed."

"I've heard that before." Rose raised an eyebrow.

It took scarcely a moment before I realized I was at some sort of watershed moment. I could ride this out, and let life happen to me instead of living it.

The thought scared me. I never had much in the way of an interesting life as Bean (Gods notwithstanding) for precisely that reason. I tended to follow the path of least resistance and stick to it...which made for a generally boring life. In my defence, I'd had a few adventures, but they were usually terrifying. Still, terrifying or not, being kicked back to childhood gave me a second chance, and I knew what I wanted to do with it.

I decided I didn't want to give her the chance to talk him out of it. "Yes!" I blurted out to cut them off. "Please." Rose looked ready to protest, so I kept talking, trying to keep her from making one of the several good points that would keep a seven year old child off of the TARDIS. "I know there are lots of reasons not to, Miss Tyler, but I know what waits for me back there in my...co-opted life. A virtual torrent of life changing decisions made for me without any input whatsoever. Please, Even just one adventure that I chose for myself...even if it's tame by your standards." I pulled out all the stops, clasping my hands together, opening my eyes wide and trying to seem as sad as I could.

_I am unbelievably shameless. And going to be embarrassed if she's unaffected by this-_

The Doctor looked incredibly amused, smirking at the blonde woman. "Go on, then. Tell her no, Rose."

She didn't look impressed that the Doctor wouldn't back her up, and she gave me a hesitant, "Well...um...Oh, all right. Put the puppy eyes away." Rose told me tartly, her cheeks flushed even though the look she gave me told me she knew exactly what I was trying to do, even if it had worked.

_ "_Yeah!" I squealed victoriously, involuntarily clapping my hands before I embarassedly reined myself in, blushing as I began trying to approximate seriousness more befitting my real age. I glanced at the Doctor guiltily. "I'm not being all that convincing about my age, am I? Not to mention that gloating is poor form."

"It is." Rose answered for him, and she stood over me sternly. I cringed in response, awaiting censure but her expression melted into a smile, and to my surprise, she scooped me up and hugged me tightly.

"Hey!" I squeaked in surprise, but she didn't relent.

"But you're too cute to be mad at. Might as well take advantage of it while you're young, love."

The Doctor looked inordinately pleased with himself as he watched us, and I was struck once again by the thought that he knew much more than he was letting on. I thought about questioning him, but I wasn't going to get the chance right now, I could tell.

(((((((((())))))))))

I was a little worried I was going to be carried like some sort of doll for the next little while, but thankfully, Rose put me down after a few moments, and we re-entered the control room in the middle of some sort of technical talk. Jack and Ranma were talking intently as we came back, animatedly talking about opponents and openings, and I wished I wouldn't have been over my head in a conversation like that.

I briefly hoped on finding an amazing sensei while on this little trip with the Doctor, but I checked my expectations. Realistically, this wouldn't last all that long-and even if I was mentally old enough to decide to stay in some exotic time or place, my options for taking care of myself alone in a seven-year old body were limited. Reluctantly, I made friends with the idea that this was an adventure, not a training trip. My options for learning to fight at the moment were limited to self-taught, and learning what Ranma knew.

Although, watching Ranma pause his conversation as we returned and grinning at me in that cherubic little way, I was deeply uncomfortable with the idea of learning from Ranma. In just a few short hours since I'd explained to him that Kuonji Ukyo (I still wasn't comfortable calling myself a girl. Denial, much?) was a female, his attitude had undergone a complete overhaul. The sexism was expected-really, all little boys were geared to think of girls that way, and it was pretty easily dealt with. His admiration for how I dealt with the Gambling King was unexpected, but gratifying. But it was the childish understanding of how romance worked that bothered me, and the longer I put off squashing his new found attachment, the more awkward spending time around him would be.

Untroubled by my concerns, Ranma jumped off of the console and ran over. "This place is awesome. Can we stay? Captain Jack knows a lot about martial arts that haven't been invented yet!" he enthused happily.

"Well, the Doctor said we could come with them for a short trip." I admitted, grinning a little at his enthusiasm, and making up my mind to hang around for any talks or anything those two had. "So long as you promise not to get into trouble."

"I won't!" Ranma insisted, looking appropriately insulted. "We got away with the Gambling King, didn't we?"

"The Gambling King?"

I flinched a little as the adults all asked the same question at the exact same time, the Doctor and Jack turning to us from the control panel, both men looking intrigued despite themselves. A quick glance at Rose-yep, she was looking at us too, but with a much more arch expression...one I'd seen on my mother's face more than a few times when I accidentally let a detail slip that I shouldn't have.

"Ranma..." I began, nervously, but it was all for naught. You just can't reign him in when he gets going, and the whole story spilled out. By the time he finished, Rose was leaning against one of the support columns, clutching her sides and laughing, the Doctor was grinning and Jack was covering his mouth every few minutes as he tried not to laugh like Rose was at Ranma's little flourishes.

"And then she told us to hang him from the tree while the other kids told all the kids at the festival what he'd done, an' they all went to grab rotten fruit..."

The adults all looked at me, and I looked at my toes, cheeks and ears burning with the worst blush yet. "I was just getting in the spirit of things." I mumbled, and the Doctor finally cracked, starting to laugh as well.

"Kids," Jack proclaimed grandly, hands on hips, "You're gonna fit into our little family just fine."

Despite my embarrassment, I was thrilled at the compliment. The warm moment didn't last very long, though, as the whole TARDIS suddenly lurched sideways as though it'd been kicked by a giant, tossing us all in the air for a brief moment before everything shuddered hard, slamming us all into various hard surfaces. I was airborne for what seemed like forever, but suddenly I bounced hard off of the central pillar, sending a shower of painful sparks through my body as I fell onto the control panel, rolled off it and fell roughly onto the floor.

I lay where I fell for a long moment, trying to get the rattling in my head under control. I could hear sounds like the adults were moving around, so it might not have been as bad as it felt...probably just for me, as I couldn't have weighed more than fifty pounds tops, so naturally I was thrown around like change in a washing machine. _Lord, if I can't go home, please let me get bigger soon. Being little sucks. _

Rose's voice met my ears. "Doctor, where are the children?"

"The boy's up there." he replied, and I wondered briefly what happened to Ranma. It couldn't have been too bad, since I heard him call down from somewhere up above, and Rose's urgent insistence that he not jump from where he was. Listening to them talk, I was startled to suddenly hear footsteps close...very close.

"I found Ukyo!" Oh good, it was just Captain Jack. "Sweetheart, can you hear me?"

"Ouch." I replied drily, struggling to get up. Fortunately, all the parts I had when I came in seemed to be in working order. I sat up, blinking a little fluid out of my eye. "Don't call me sweetheart, Captain Jack. I'm too young for you."

He seemed somewhat taken aback, but he laughed and crouched down beside me, touching my shoulder to keep me from getting up. "A little too bloody, too. How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Forty-three."

The worried look in response to my attempt at a joke had me hurriedly revising that. "Sorry, Sorry. Four."

"I love a sassy woman." Jack's tense look softened, and he smirked at me. "I look forward to you getting old enough that you'll let me call you sweetheart."

"People will get the wrong idea if you're caught hitting on kids." I retorted.

"Faint heart never won fair lady." He pointed out.

I didn't get a chance to retort, as Rose came around the control panel right about then, and she gasped as she saw me, and I blinked. That was an odd reaction. I reached up to touch my head cautiously to find out what she was on about, my fingers grazing my eye.

They came away red. Uh-oh. "Well, that can't be good."

"Hold still, kiddo." Jack replied.

Several seconds of hurried first aid later, while Ranma and Rose hovered, looking pensive, my forehead was bandaged up, and I noted that I was the only one with an injury, aside maybe from Jack, who was favouring one leg. After being assured I didn't have a concussion or anything, I was allowed up, and we all headed to the gangplank leading up to the TARDIS's door to see what had happened.

The door opened with the peculiar lilting creak common to wooden doors, and Jack slipped out first, followed by the Doctor. Ranma and I started forward, but Rose grabbed us each by the collar and and would only let us come out with her, a few seconds after the men. I frowned up at her, since she already knew I wasn't the child I appeared to be, but her only response was a serene, know-it-all smile much like I'd already seen on my original set of parents whenever I was about to hear the 'I know what's best' speech.

I sighed, resigning myself to it as we all exited the TARDIS. Better to focus on adventure rare...no, impossible to anyone else from my universe, sanitized though it may have been. All things considered it was beginning in a less than remarkable fashion.

I looked around-aside from the complete erasure of signs of humanity, there was barely any indication that we'd moved at all. It was a simple forest, the trees that had replaced the vendor stalls of the fair creating a protective canopy overhead that let sunlight through in split shafts that illuminated the forest floor in a myriad of little sunbeams.

"Whoa..." Breathed Ranma behind me, and I blinked, looking up-sure enough, high above us, there was one larger hole in the canopy ringed with broken branches, presumably where the TARDIS had smashed through.

"What on earth knocked us down?" I wondered.

"Excellent question. Nothing in this time period should be strong enough to swat the TARDIS out of the sky."

I jumped as the Doctor and Jack were suddenly right beside us, the former looking up with me, and the latter watching the clearing in slow, cautious sweeps of his eyes.

THUMP.

The ground shook slightly-not as intense as an earthquake, but enough to challenge our balance. My heart jumped up into my throat as the colossal thump shook the earth again...and again..._this is what I get for pouting over being kept safe-_I thought to myself disgustedly, teetering and almost falling over, but Ranma caught me from behind. "I've got a bad feeling about this." I told him, and he blinked at me.

"What is that? An earthquake?" Rose demanded of the Doctor, but Jack shook his head.

"Too small. And regular. Shelling or bombs of some kind." Jack guessed.

"In Twelfth century Japan?" The Doctor replied incredulously.

I looked up through the hole in the canopy the TARDIS had made, and I saw it. I got that same chilly tingle over my skin again as my blood ran cold, and it took a herculean effort not to scream like a little girl-wait, wasn't I entitled to, now? Still, it was a moment or two before I could make my lips work enough to call out. "Oh $#!t...It's not any of those...it's FOOTSTEPS!" I yelled to the adults, pointing up.

High above the trees, a face, a hideous, ugly face that was a stylized mess of a Japanese Noh Mask, twice the size of the TARDIS on it's own stared down at us. The Mask disappeared, and suddenly a giant, scaled arm took it's place, crashing through the branches, reaching for the TARDIS. The Doctor took one look and gave the order to all of us.

"RUN!"

((((((((((()))))))))))

Author notes: Hopefully, this isn't too impenetrable for people unfamiliar with Doctor Who. I've got grander plans, and hopefully I'll be able to get a new chapter out soon. And next time, I'll go back to the Rocky and Bullwinkle style end credits.

As you may have noticed, The Chapter Subtitle is not particularly relevant. This is largely because I'm on a song title kick right now. This particular song is k-pop, done by a Girl group called So Nyuh Shi Dae, or 'Girl's Generation.' If 'As you like it' was an anime, I would have picked this song for the OP. What that implies for Bean/Ukyo's future is still up in the air. ;)


End file.
